I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I looked at my own cervix.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
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