My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
