So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
