my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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