Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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