i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
