Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
