you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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