dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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