some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize