Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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