Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
