i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just threw up on my dentist
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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