I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
