Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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