chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
