She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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