she looked like the bat from fern gully.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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