why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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