it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Sorry my hands just texted you
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
