Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
