I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
