I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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