Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I am available for nakedness
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
