and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize