I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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