He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I did not marry a roomba.
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