that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
