A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
