the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Randomize
