Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
