do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
