Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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