my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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