but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize