My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
