She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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