You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
