Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
