Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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