hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
