Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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