all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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