if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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