I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
