if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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