false alarm. still invincible.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Holy shit dude........stairs
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
