My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
