Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
