90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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