So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
