wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
