remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
