If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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