The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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