4 words: hood of his car
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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