I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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