Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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