apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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