Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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