i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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