it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
