Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
