You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
