apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
