Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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