if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
