I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize