Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
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