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i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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